The Awkward Things That Have Happened

1. On my first visit to the UK, in roughly 1997, my parents and I went to Kew Gardens (not THAT Kew Gardens). There was a class of 7-to-8 year-olds there as well. In the gift shop, I heard a small voice say, “I got a very fine rubber!” After a triple take, I realized that the kid was holding up an eraser. I breathed a sigh of relief.

2. On my second visit, circa 2000, I was hanging out with my friend Matt and some of his friends. We were in a stationary store when one of his friends asked if I would hold his fag for him. Hold your derogatory term for a gay man? Hold your small bundle of twigs? Hold your something else? I just stared at him in complete confusion, until Matt zipped in, grabbed the guy’s smoke and said, “he means the cigarette!”

3. Finally, while living in London in 2004, I had gone out to a drag show with a friend. She was dressed in drag and we were running for the last train before the tube shut. An old beggar came up to her and started asking, somewhat incessantly, “ARE. YOU. A. GEEZER?!?!” My friend, in a faux-English accent, replied, “What?! You think I’m an old bloke?!” I had to explain later that “geezer” is slang for “dude” or “man.” And that, my friends, I learned from listening to The Streets.